


I love you with both of my hearts but lack the voice to say

by GoodDalekPeppergrinderfromdowntheRiver



Category: Doctor Who, Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: F/M, Fluff and Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-11 12:13:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,557
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5626159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GoodDalekPeppergrinderfromdowntheRiver/pseuds/GoodDalekPeppergrinderfromdowntheRiver
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Your wife. Your guilt. Your burden." She added solemnly. " She turned to Clara. "You see, he leaves one day and never returns. Runs. Runs away from everything. Everyone."<br/>She looked at the Doctor, who now was distraught. She could not help but feel angry. What if he would just leave her one day without even saying goodbye? What if he wasn't the man she thought he was? What if he just got bored with his little human toys? If he could run from home and from his wife, he could run away from her.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I love you with both of my hearts but lack the voice to say

**Author's Note:**

> I am not strictly sort of sticking to the Doctor who time line.

It had only been a day with the Doctor. A day. What did a day mean anymore? Endless journeys and adventures. All the beauty the world had to offer - aliens, friendship and love. The ugly slimy green face of pain and misery. Clara was unaware that a day could be so infinite and crammed full with emotion and excitement.

Leaning against the Tardis controls, she looked at this mysterious man with a title rather than a name. This man who had swept her out of her boring existence and thrust her out of her comfort zone. A man who she had resolved to spend her life with even though all she knew about him was that he was a Timelord meaning that he had two hearts.

It dawned to her at that instant that he could be kidnapping her. Trying to lure her into a false sense of security and friendship with all the adventure. Then he could pull it all from under her feet like a rug. Or maybe this was not even real?

"Tell me about yourself." She asked.

The Doctor turned towards her and smiled slightly. " I am a Timelord. From the planet Gallifrey. I am..."

"No, not all that nonsense," She interrupted. "Tell me about you. Your personality. What you like doing. What you do with your time. Your history." She demanded.

"I stole a Tardis from my home planet and ran. Ever since, I have been traveling. Changing face, Traveling. Popping in here and there. Helping out here and there." He answered.  
"By yourself?" She asked, inching closer. Perhaps, he was a man who wondered all alone. Perhaps now he felt a bit lonely and out of all the humans he could have picked, he chose her. Saw something unique and special about her and decided to share his backyard of time and space with her.

"I have companions, sometimes."

"Companions." She repeated. The word was bitter in her mouth like vinegar. She frowned a bit as it fell out of her own mouth. "Companions, no friends?"

"Well, yes, friends, I suppose."

"Any girlfriends? Wifes?"

He spun around so that Clara could no longer see his face. "No." He muttered. Before he turned, she could have sworn that she saw his face fall a bit. His welcoming smile replaced with a faint smile, but sad eyes. He spun back around, his face now lit up with a smile, eyes still sad. "I do not know what you think this is." He said walking towards her. He was now so close that Clara was sure that he could see the individual cells that she was composed off. She looked up at the Doctor, noting that for a man who is over 900, his face was not distorted by wrinkles. The air around her felt awkwardly warm and her heart was beating like a drum. But it was all over in less than a second. He had walked past her and she abruptly turned around to find him at the opposite side of the Tardis from her. "I don't know what you think this is, but it is not that." He said, spitting out the word that as if it were a bullet from a gun. The Doctor did not like guns or bullets and that not everyone could be save. She gathered that the Doctor especially did not like talk of that.  
*

 

In the two weeks that Clara had known him, the Doctor had slipped in bits about his companions. There was Amy, his 'fiery redhead.' Clara smiled upon mention of her. Although it was a tight smile until the Doctor mentioned her husband, the centurion and that she had a daughter. So she was probably fat and unattractive, adorned with baby vomit or the smell of morning sickness, Clara thought. He seemed to speak fondly of a lady named Rose, although she was locked up in an alternate universe. He had male companions as well, Clara was happy to find. A Captain Jack who would flirt with anyone and Professor Song, an archaeologist, smart and handy with a gun.

Never though, had he mentioned that.

*  
Six months and the Doctor still eluded her. He was still just a mysterious man in a box who appeared out of nowhere and whisked her away. She could not help that his smile made happiness creep onto her face and that her cheeks would flush a red colour whenever he was held her hand or came awkwardly close.

At this moment of time, they were sat on a patch of grass watching the four suns of Paville set. To call the sight beautiful would be an understatement. It was absolutely beyond magical. Gradually, as the sun set, the silvery lilac night sky began to appear. Soon after, bright white stars began to adorn the sky. The Doctor was sat there uncharacteristically quiet. He hadn't even explained to her what was going on as usual. His normal self would have told her the history of Paville and how he interacted with it. He would have told her why the sky was lilac and what the stars they could see were called, but no. Nothing. However, she was fine with his silence at the moment. Her neck rested on his shoulder and her body was pulled in close to his. She felt cozy and warm in the silence with him.

"I brought a friend here once." the Doctor said silently. It was so quiet, that if Clara had not strained to hear, his voice would have easily have gone unnoticed. Despite his quietness, she could hear, distinctively, the sadness in his voice. She was eager to find out more, however, Clara knew that she had to play the situation delicately. She decided that prodding was not an effective interrogation method when it came to the Doctor. He would realize that he let something meaningful slip and craftily change the topic. She decided that perhaps it would be best to just remain quiet.

The Doctor sighed; it was an immensely wistful and sad one. Then he continued. "She was in prison by day but by night, the whole of time and space was ours. She was my … It was too fast. It all just was. She knew me and I did not know her. Then I knew her and she did not know me or herself and she saved me. She is gone and lost now." The last sentence was whispered wobbly and fast, as if saying it fast would mean he would not have to face the full implications of the sentence. Clara pulled his hand into hers and squeezed it. They sat in silence for a bit.

After a while, the Doctor shooted up so abruptly that Clara fell on her side. "You are in dangerous company Clara. I lose people. I run. I disappoint. I show people all of time and space and they fall for it and run with me. However, life always catches up to the, Life always runs out for them. Whilst I continue running. A lonely old man."  
Before she could catch the look on his face, he was running back to the Tardis.  
Clara followed him. Crestfallen and confused. She did not understand most of what he said - sometimes he could be a bit incoherent. However, she understood a bit. Perhaps the most important thing. That the course of love never did run smoothly for Timelords and humans alike. The only thing that did run was the Doctor.

*  
As time went on, Clara began to speculate how he was bound to the mysterious female that he had mentioned. She had to force herself to accept that she was not the Doctor's only companion. No, she was a name on a long list of people that he refused to talk about after they got on with their lives or perished. She had concluded that perhaps she was more than a friend. That was not a thought that she accepted without resistance though and she could not help and feel a bit envious. The Doctor had called her a friend - he never called anyone friends. He introduced her as his companion and introduced others by their titles or as acquaintances or someone he used to know... but friend? No. So she was probably pretty special.  
Clara had decided that she was going to be more observant - that she would not let small things go unnoticed. Through her meticulous and covert observations, she found out very little. Indeed, the Doctor was not the sort of man to wear his hearts on his sleeves. It was a bit unnerving. The Doctor knew so much about her. She told him her fears and secrets and feelings. He on the other hand told her nothing and when he did, it was still nothing.  
*

They were at a funfair in 2034. Of all the places they could be. At a funfair. Surrounded by dull plain humans. Only two eyes. Species with two eyes got boring after a bit. Two eyes, freckles, spots and dimples. That basically summed up the human race to her. After a year of traveling with the Doctor, she could not help but find earth a little bit too mundane and predictable.

"Why are we at a funfair?" Clara asked, a little exasperated. They could be in a different solar system or time zone.

"This is the biggest funfair that the world will ever see." He said spinning around, so that he could see her face.

"Ten dodgems, twenty five candyfloss stores. An aquarium. Yes! An aquarium in a funfair." He was now walking backwards, a manic grin on his face. He looked a bit silly. In a suit, in a funfair. Wearing a fez, bow tie and thick Harry Potter framed glasses. People were staring at him and probably thinking that he was nothing more than eccentric. However, to Clara, now he had become the world.

A year, and this man with a title rather than a name still eluded her. He was still shadowed by mystery. However, he would not be the Doctor if he wasn't.  
"Plus, you said, you liked funfairs when you were a child." The Doctor added.

Trying not to blush, she added, '"So you actually listen when I talk?"

"What do we try first?" He asked her.

"The horse carousel." Clara answered.

Turning back around, he grabbed her arm and they ran towards it. However, they stopped at a halt to find a queue. The fragrance of fresh candyfloss and popcorn danced in the air and colours swirled everywhere. The horse carousel was delicately designed. It's silver, gold, black, yellow and bronze colours, making the horses look antique.  
"Doctor?" She began. However, upon noticing that his attention was not with her, she looked around to try and follow his gaze. The carousel had stopped and the line was crawling forward. Everyone on the carousel was coming of their horses apart from one lady. She had her legs clamped around the horses legs and arms around it's neck.  
"One more go?" She asked the carousel operator.

"You have been saying that all day!" he said, although only with no hint of frustration.

She smiled at him sweetly and battered her eyelashes.  
  
"Fine." he conceded.

  
At first Clara had thought that he was watching what was going on, but now, she had realized, he was looking at the lady. Milky tea colored skin, emerald green eyes and wild golden curls. It could not be denied that she was beautiful. He was grinning. Actually grinning. The look in his eyes, Clara noticed looked like infatuation.  
Clara had to push the Doctor down the line and onto the carousel. He was still staring and grinning like an idiot.

"Doctor?" the lady called, as soon as she saw him. Her face was twisted into a frown. Upon realising that she had seen him, the Doctor shuffled onto the opposite side of the carousel and suddenly his face was solemn.

"Who is she?" Clara asked, trying and failing in sounding nonchalant. She repeated again louder. The Doctor turned back to her as if she was a bee buzzing around him. He look mildly irritated and Clara faltered for a second. Was he angry at her? However, he quickly changed his face into a smile. Avoiding Clara's eyes, he said "Someone."

"Someone?" Clara persisted, risking getting on the Doctor's nerves.

"Somebody I used to know." He muttered.

"Why don't you know her now?" Clara continued to penetrate.She was hoping for something along the lines of her betraying him so badly that he could not find it in his heart to forgive.

The Doctor, now on his horse, looked at her. He looked exasperated and as if he regretted being nice and bringing Clara to the funfair.

"Will you shut up for a bit!" The Doctor shouted. Some people looked around awkwardly, as if to say, having a fight on a carousel? Other people looked at the Doctor as if he was out of order. How dare he disrupt their peaceful days with shouting? A lot of the children were blissfully unaware.

"Doctor, perhaps you need to learn how to treat people better." The lady who he was looking at previously said. Her voice, stone cold, harsh and flat. Clara shivered a tiny bit. She would never have imagined that such a cold voice could fall out of such a lady. 

"I am sorry." He whispered to Clara and he shut his eyes for the rest of the carousel ride. Clara noticed that the lady was staring at the doctor. Her stare was hard like iron and resolute. Perhaps she was one of his companions? Clara thought. Perhaps she fell in love with the Doctor and he, unaware of her attention, did not react to her advances. Maybe she decided to tell the Doctor and abandon all attempts of subtlety? Maybe the Doctor, not wanting that took her back to earth at first opportunity? Maybe she was bitter about that - thought he led her on. How could a man show her all of space and time and not feel anything for her? How could a man so kind and who gave her so much not want more than friendship? Maybe the look the Doctor had upon first noticing her was reminiscence of all their memories?

When the carousel stopped, the Doctor sprinted off. Clara, almost falling, hastened to catch up to him.

"Doctor?" She called. He was now a meter ahead of her and she was struggling to catch up despite wearing trainers.

"He always just leaves people behind. That may be the last you see of him." Clara turned, to see the lady, standing behind her. She too, like the Doctor was dressed inappropriately for a funfair. She wore a long sleeveless green dress and polished red high heels which matched the colour of her lipstick. A few of her golden curls had now fallen onto her face and her face was contoured with disappointment and hurt. However, Clara could not help but notice that she looked really pretty regardless.

The Doctor turned back, avoiding both pairs of eyes. He was able to catch a glimpse of River's eyes. Not so much angry. More vulnerable, hurt and disappointed. He wish he could articulate everything he wanted to say in words. he wished he could tell her that he loved her and that he did not mean to snap at her. He wished that he could take back all the cruel actions and the callous words that the younger him had done and said.

He sighed heavily, unable to say anything. 

Rive laughed and he flinched. It was a cold steely laugh that he wasn't used to. She tilted her head and smiled - the smile not reaching her eyes. "Well, aren't you going to introduce me?" she asked spitefully. 

"Clara, this is River, an old companion," He said and he regretted the words as they fell out. River's anger before was nothing compared to now. She had finally dropped all pretences and facades. The smile was gone and her lips stretched out into a thin line. Her eyebrows were furrowed into a frown and her eyes were cold and unforgiving. The Doctor winced. Never had he seen River Song so furious. 

"Doctor River Song." He finally said. "My wife." He amended. However, the damage was done. River was still fuming. 

Doctor Song, as in a female and not male? Clara thought. The Doctor had mentioned her. Certainly. But never anything sentimental or nostalgic. He had never called her River. Never made any reference to her gender. Had always mentioned how Professor Song was a force to reckon with. But never this context. Whenever, he had said the word wife, he would only even create a fleeting, faceless illusion of someone he once knew.

"I see I have been demoted to a companion. I see you cannot even bear to call me a friend let alone a wife. But I guess, that is what I am! Your wife. Your guilt. Your burden." She spat out. She turned to Clara. "You see, he leaves one day and never returns. Runs. Runs away from everything. Everyone."

Clara looked at the Doctor, who now was distraught. She could not help but feel angry. What if he would just leave her one day without even saying goodbye? What if he wasn't the man she thought he was? What if he just got bored with his little human toys? If he could run from home and from his wife, he could run away from her.

"You were never a burden." Is all he could manage to say. He hoped that it roughly translated to an 'I love you.' He hoped that it meant that they could put all that behind them. He had not intended to run. To avoid her. Since finding out who she was, the Doctor had grown fond. He had look forward to her falling out of the sky and throwing trouble his direction. He had looked forward to their kisses and when they were not touching each other just to hold hands when running away from monsters and aliens. He had fallen in love. However, the last time he had seen her, her had said she wanted to go Darillum. He certainly wasn't ready. He was a greedy old man who wanted to hold on to love. He didn’t want to lose her. Being an idiot though he had promised to take her there, then backed out. She was furious about this and refused to cooperate and he, angry, at their timey wimey relationship had said things that he really did not mean...

"Don't lie!" she laughed hysterically. 

" River, you mean so much to me..." He tried.

"I loved you with both of my hearts. With every atom of my existence. With everything I have and can give. I thought you could learn to love me but you always just felt guilt!"   
  
He looked up into her eyes. Still so angry and hurt. He was old. He kept running. He had run from Gallifrey. He ran from danger and he ran from security. He ran from his wife. Now he felt ashamed. He could not continue running.

"River, I am sorry. Tell me how I can fix things." He pleaded.

""That is the thing. You only want to fix things because it is more guilt. You don't love me. You don't care," 

"River..." Clara started. She was unsure that she was talking until she heard her own voice. They had both looked at her a little startled. She had been so quiet that they had forgotten that she was there. The Doctor eyed her confused whereas River was more curious.

" I know that this is really none of my business, but he was talking about you once. That was the most vulnerable and upset and hurt that I have ever seen him. I don’t think that if he found you merely a burden that he would have been that undone."

The Doctor stared at Clara. She could read nothing from his face. However, despite the weariness, Clara could see River soften a bit. 

"I... I really... I do care. It is not just guilt. I ... I lo- I really ... I could never replace you," He said, hoping that she picks up on what he means. "You... you understand me, the way no one ever has. You look at me and see my soul. I look at you and see ... see my sort of equal." Clara frowned slightly. "Not that my companions aren't equal," he said hastily. "But, you know what I am thinking before I say it. And-" 

She huffed but smiled all the same. "It is fine. Really. Buy us some ice cream. I want a chocolate one," she turned to Clara, "and Clara here looks like a chocolate chip and mint sort of person."

The Clara could not help but look at the Doctor and his wife, arms linked and laughing at stuff she could not understand. She watched the way the Doctor's eyes crinkled and the way his smile was not as heavy as if used to be. That day, he became a little less of a mystery to her. He too, like humans, loved.


End file.
